Thursday, June 8, 2006

Finknottle Rewards His Readers

Welcome again, my Faith-fulle Rabble. Today's Column is dedicated to answering youre petulante Qeuries, Quandaries and Over-weening Motives. I'll truncate the usual rante to it's pithiest form, "My Editore is a filthe-laden sow", such that we have more roome for youre missives.
Let us Begin:

Q.) Hey Finkfizzle, My buddy here says I'm drunk. But I say I'm just pretending. How can I prove it?

-Someplace sticky in Daytona

A.) Well, I can't fathome why anyone would pretend to be drunk when the real thing is reasonably priced and available to even the styckyest Daytonian. Grab your friende's heade by the triangular tendons in front to force open his gullet, and pour in a full dram of Finknottle's Famous Elixer (recipiee belowe) and get him on your level.

Now one skool of thoughte is to scrupulously Not use a pal's drunken state to your advantage. I have a differente scheme in mind. Use this temporarey unawaredness to full potential. Wreck his credite, forge his name on documentes, take compromising pictures. These are all applicable. Then get creative. Why merely ruin him in this life? Why not induce him to pray to the Gods for favors? The Gods hate that. He'll be assured a low-rent slice of Hell when he arrives. And to really load-up the Afterlife with maggotes, make him tell the Gods to "Be Snappy about it!" Then sit back and wait for his death with a knowing smile. Be sure to sende me a cut of what you glean from his pockets.

Q.) I am raising an army to take back a small patch of verdant valley that rightfully belonged to my great-grandfather on my mother's side, but currently is under the tyrannical boot of that vile brigand, _____. My forces out number his 3 to 1, but our weaponry is bronze and his is iron. The nearest iron technology, aside from my enemy's, is leagues away. Battle season is upon us. What is your counsel? Attack now with bronze or wait for iron?


A.) Ahh, yes the Danish Prisoner Dilemma. A good one. You have laid out the technikal manifest nicely, and I can picture the scene. But the Devile is in the Details. What strengthe of Winged Lizards do you have? What number of Screeching Wooxles? Are your troopes' bootes weather-tightened? Are the archers drunke or sobere? Is the winde from the Southe?

In general, there are Five ways to defeate and army made up as described, and they all involve Cheating. I reccommend Smallpox and Propaganda to cause a minor rebellion on the Lefte flank of his camp.

Then, while your opponente is dealing with this, call in a Favor from the local Gentry you have carefully cultivated in the off-seasone. You're not asking for much, just the loan of a few Sulphure bombes and specially hardened brain-spikes. Your Spikers should know what to do with these.

Then, using Hypnosis and the teckniques of Mind Controol, gayther a splinter group of the Church (whichever Church you have handy) and begin a Schism, using the forms available at the Poste Office. This will split the loyalty of the countryside, and provide a side-showe to the battle which you can use as distraction, and in a pinch, charge Admission. A well-planned battle can be victorious and profitable, and if you live, I'll expect a consulation fee.

Q.) Dear Gussie, I was going to take my mistress to Vegas for her birthday, but my wife found the airline tickets in a dresser drawer. To get out of a pickle, I told her they were for her and that I wanted to surprise her. I had a great time in Vegas with the wife, but now my mistress is steaming mad. How should I placate her? I can't afford expensive jewellery, or even another trip somewhere. That Vegas shuttle airfare and two nights at the Four Queens was just a package I won on the radio. Flowers won't work because she is a professional florist. What do I do?

-In a pickle in Idaho

A.) Ahh, yes, the Danish Prisoner Dilemma. I can picture it well. You want to Dominate and Keep two women at the same time. I see no legal or moral probleme with this, so let's skip righte to tactics. Keep the two women separate, making use of handcuffes and a Systeme of winches and pulleys. Lift one Woman up and out of the way to gain access to the other. If this is not Deemed practicable, perhaps because of a low ceiling, you may substitute rolling gurneys.

Q.)Mr. Finknottle, Every day, all day, I stare at a computer screen and insert numbers into blank boxes. When I am through filling up one screen, I hit 'enter' and a whole new screen with blanks to be filled in pops up. I know this happens every time when I hit enter, because I've been doing this for twenty years, but every time the new screen comes up my heart sinks, my tongue gets dry, and I feel the presence of a dread shadow. How can I keep from strangling the next one of my co-workers that comes near me? Please help quickly, someone is coming.

-Angst in a cubicle, Dead End, U.S.A.

A.) Relaxe, fellowe sufferer. As you have omitted the Contexte of youre worke, and referred to it cryptically, I assume you are working for the Gouvernement. Youre appelation of U.S.A. pearks my interest, but I suspect you are in League with theyre mortale eneamy, the C.S.A. or Confederate States of America. Youe are clearley a Mole, and a deepley-buried one at thate.

As for youre Worke, the less we all knowe, the better for Security and Safety of the Populuous. As for youre Angste and obvius Dreade, I recommend putting two women in a Systeme of winches and pulleys. Lift one up and away,... Waite, ah yes, I am beginning to repeate myself. Youre Troubble, Dear Reader, is in youre Frontal Lobe. No punn inteanded, none recieved. Whate I imply is not merely a localized problem behinde the Foreheade, but more likeley spread throughout your Torsoe. We shall Cleave you in twain, divine the source of the Dreade, sew you back together and leave you to dry for 7-10 dayes in the Vineyarde on a bed of rice and Parmesan cheese. Once youre cheque clears, we'll decide if youe are Cured. Shall we say 8-ishe, in my Gueste-Laboratorey.

Q.)Finknottle, When a cat sprays on your duffel bag, how can you get rid of the smell?

-Perplexed in London, Ohio

A.) I admite my Ignorance, for I have no Idea whate is a 'cat'. Surely the saeme Method would apply, however, that I use to rid my Studey of the Odour of My Editore. Viz: arm yourself withe rubberized gloves, and purchase the largest Whore you can afforde. Give her a weeks' rations of Tobacco, on condition that she smoke it all at once. Then apply a thin coaeting of grain-liquour to her facade, using even brush strokes. Put her in the butler-pantry for 7-10 days, and wait for my next column.

That is the lot of the legible correspondence that I did not use for kindling. More thought-fulle Readers may, in future, send kindling instead of letteres.

Yours, &c,
-Augustus Roderick Finknottle

1 comment:

Editor said...

8th Man said...

Mister Finknottle,
Once again your advive brings much needed clarity to a world that so very much lacks it.
Though the written format allows one to consider the most appropriate response to your readers' questions, I can't help but to wonder if the format of the wireless radio might provide you with an even more direct impact on your readership.
Lost souls and anxiety-ridden folk in need of immidiate consultation could have instantanious advice when calling in to you.
Please understand, this suggestion in no way intended to say that you should give up on your column. No, indeed it is a great way for us to spot the details of your understanding of the human being and all its facetes though careful reading, and re-reading.
Nay this would merely be yet another route throught which to guide those of us who need the beacon of true understanding.
merely a suggestion.

9:23 AM
Anonymous harry said...

Fink, how can I find a nice girl to marry?

9:28 AM
Anonymous I'm a Miranda said...

As a woman and a human being I am outraged at the advice you gave to the man with a mistress/wife problem. What kind of person would tell such a jerk that it is okay to have an affair and then encourage him further with that winches and pulleys stuff. I don't know what kind of "advice column" this is, but I for one will not be one of your women you string up in your sick little fantasies.

10:43 AM
Anonymous harry said...

I'm a Miranda said...

As a woman and a human being I am outraged at the advice you gave to the man with a mistress/wife problem. What kind of person would tell such a jerk that it is okay to have an affair and then encourage him further with that winches and pulleys stuff. I don't know what kind of "advice column" this is, but I for one will not be one of your women you string up in your sick little fantasies.

Don't get your panties in a wad, sweetcheeks.

11:51 AM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are assuming here that there really is a man with a wife and a mistress. Don't you know that on the internet, anyone can be anything? I, for example, am a super-intelligent dog living in the Cayman Islands.

12:25 PM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I happen to be the Cayman Islands, and I(as an island group and quasi-legal banking haven) resent the imputation of canine infestation....intelligent or otherwise. Phlllbt.

Right Ho!

12:57 PM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh! So you are the Cayman Islands! I'm Antigua, but you can call me Carl. I've heard so much about you and your banking. Kudos! We islands must be industrious. Do come by for drinks, say five-o-clock, the snacking hour?

1:17 PM
Anonymous harry said...

Righteous indignation gives me wood.

2:51 PM
Blogger Dude said...

Hey, Finkster,
My super-intelligent dog ran off to the Cayman Islands. Should I try to retrieve him or just get a new one?


4:40 PM
Blogger Charlie Parsley said...

on harry,
can I be of any ass-istance?

6:20 PM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Antigua!

Tea at 5. Intelligent dog bits on toast.



11:53 PM