Monday, June 5, 2006

Intro Thingy

Advice for the lovelorn and confused by Gussie Finknottle

Recently I've been asked to come out of semi-retirement at the age of 761 to help you silly mortals. So be it. My Editor, a rapcious beast of a person with greedy claws for hands, has turned the screws and called in old bad debts. I relish it! A chance to overwhelm the poor public wth my snuff-covered pages of scribble and screed? What joy. I won't let the indignity of the terms of my employment even come to the surface of the boiling pot of menace in my mind.

Ah, there. We've struck the 'right note' to begin in a feeling of collaboration and good feeling. You will be encouraged by the usual means to contribute humble queries and so forth on your little topics. You'll be offered a chance at free subscription giveaways and meat-and-liquour tickets, and various enticements. If that's what it takes to apply for and recieve written instuctions from Yours Truly to remedy the open wounds of your withered soul, fantastic. Naturally you could have done this on your own, but we'll let the massive machinery of publication work its market-shaping magic.

The first 1000-pound bag of mail will be arriving by today's camelboy express and I will welcome the chance to ignore it for 7-10 days while I vacation in Frontal Lobe Falls. There I will sip G&T's and wait for my medication to take hold. Yes, Gentle Reader, it is an imposition to be bothered like this, and embarassing to do it in print. This is not your cross to bear, it is mine alone. So unsheath your disgusting implements and string those words together. Enlist assistance from the agency at left to help you compose your simple requests. Don't be shy, that's what the operators are paid for!

Now little fetterlings, be still and let Daddy absorb his octuple-shot breakfast. You will be entertained in the order received etc. My contract calls for many many more paragraphs, but as I have cat-like reflexes and sharpened wits, I've naturally finished with the pertinent ideas a page early. So we'll just slam in here a random chunk of last year's column, still shatteringly relevant, and let the keys cool off.

-Augustus "Sir" Finknottle

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