Monday, June 12, 2006

Finknottle Rails Againste his Editore, Answerrs Fan

My Editore thinkes I am scatterbrained, and while he has never accused me of workeing too harde, he has suggested I take up a hobby. He suggested raising rabbites. A goode choice, for foode or pets, but I chose something else. I enjoye all mannere of chewing lice, as they rewarde youre attentions with Affectione. But I wanted somethinge to really dazzle the Liverputty offices.

I have decided to cultivate wormes, in the Thames they'd be called Teredo wormes, and would live in the side panels of Shippes. (Juniore Natural Philosopher's note: the Shippeworme is not a true worme, but an elongated clam.)

But in this case theye live in the Floor-boards beneath my Editore's chair. (yes, my little ones, eat up!) At this very momente they are chewing heartily through the planks beneathe his fat rumpus. The wormes chew, the planks weaken, the wormes chew, the planks weaken.... That's right, rant at your Finknottle, rant and Rave! (eat, my little wormes, eat! It's all for YOU!) Shake your fat fists at me once more, Editore, I deserve it! Make the roome bellow with your foul breathe. Rant, my Editore! Louder! Harder! Louder, Harder!!

Ooh, ahh. I can tell by the lovely puddle of snuffe-flecked droole on the page that I have been dreaming. Just as welle, I have emerged from the reverie with renewede vigore and so forthe. Let the Vox Populi inform us now, and we shalle Disparage my Employere at a later date.

On to the Letteres!

Q.)Dear Mr. Stink-bottle, I am a small, but well-heeled island group pleasantly situated in balmy waters. I have been blissfully enjoying my scrupulously discrete existence, catering to ladies and gentlemen of rather different financial needs, when I suddenly became afflicted by an infestation of super-intelligent dogs.

This is, as you may apprehend, a disquieting development. Imagine, if you will, unwelcome guests, sticking their noses (coolly and moistly, of course-I have a damnably healthy climate)where they don´t belong, sniffing out sensitive information, baying it to the stars, wagging their uppity little tails and piddling on the carpet. This is the tropics, man, and even super-intelligent piddle stinks after a few hours.

I tried ignoring the problem (stiff-upper-lip and all that), and then I tried serving them (in attractively prepared bits) on toast. All to no avail.
Please help me, Sir Gussie.

-I am, Careworn in the Carribbean

A.) Please reade on:

Q.)Hey, Finkster,
My super-intelligent dog ran off to the Cayman Islands. Should I try to retrieve him or just get a new one?


A.) This is a funney one, as I also got a matching querie from a super-intelligent dog in the Cayman Islands, asking if he needed to fill out formes to be emancipated, or did his exile to the tax-haven Islands do the tricke post-hoc-ergo-prompter-hoc. I am going to answer you both conservatively by reporteing the two of youe to the proper authorities.

Q.) Mr. Finknottle,
You make my knees tickle with your lavish choice of words and strange musings. I could listen to you prattle on for hours on end. I was wondering if there was maybe a Mrs. Finknottle or some other companion that is lucky enough to share your company. I love your column and can't wait to read your next installment.


A.) Of course there's a Mrs. F, my sainted Mother. As for me I am contractually required to ask you to consult the dating service -Elizabethen Re-enactor's Guild Anti-Lonliness Alliance. I subscribe and they deliver a freshe anacronistic whore twice monthley. I recommend paying extra for the simulated-plague-free ones.

Now, in the Intereste of Science, I muste attende to some Molde spores I am training in the martial artes. Never slacken during training seasone, as the saying goes. Until nexte time, I am


1 comment:

Editor said...

Wagstaff said...

Finknottle, you are tireless. I must ask you, by what method and manner do you write and file your dispatches?

9:47 PM
Anonymous harry said...

I need some details on this whore delivery deal. That's a recipe for success right there.

8:38 PM
Anonymous Sassy Wench said...

Oh, Finkie...whatsoever is the color of your codpiece, may I be so bold as to ask?

8:59 PM