Sunday, July 2, 2006

Column #9

Yes Indeed, dear chums, the days do pass quickly at this Lattitude. We will soon be needing to round up the livestock and prepare them for canning. Remind me to pass on the family recipie for Jugged Goat.

Without further ado, we will retire to the Qwestion-and-Answer phase.

Sir, how do you write your columns?

-Intrigued in Indiana

Dear Indiana, the creative process is the same whethere I am making a mind-shatteringly incisive column or baking a hen. Which is to say I first use the ingredients at hand, measurre them carefully, and cook.

But I suspect you mean the work-intensive process as a whole. Well, first the qwestions are formed in the fore-brain of You the listener. These are transmitted by telepathy to the paper and sent via messenger to the Liverputty receiving rooms. There they are sorted, categorized, shredded and additives poured in and left to sit for 7-10 days.

At the end of this curing step, the resulting slurry is piped into a holding tank on the roof of the Liverputty Eeditorial building. There is a tap above my desk that allows a discrete amount of slurry to be drained into my Wordgrinder. The steam is turned on, and pressure built up, and then I throw the valve that forces the works into motion.

After grinding and concatenation, the column emerges in its pastey, pre-finished form. This ghost of a column is sent to the print-room where it is hardened and trimmed to size. The antique spellings are thrown in, and extra 'e's wedged in anywhere and everywhere. A team of mimetic mice sketches the visage of Self for the portrait, capturing the changes over time that this job inflicts. When the whole is done, it is shipped via courier-camel to the distribution hubs around the world.

Was that too technical?

Yes, but it was worth it!
-Intrigued in Indiana

Dear Mr. Minkthrottle,

I was wowed and impressed by your command of the Subterranean Endeavours of the Badger. This has encouraged me to pose the Question that has plagued me, Lo, these many years. I happen to suffer from a low body temperature(and the naturally concomitant solitude) and was wondering which small mammals I should sew into my clothing for warmth and companionship. Do you have any suggestions? Icneumon Rats? White Footed Ferrets? Help!

Shivering in Sheboygan

Yes, I can plainly see the dilemma. Rats and ferrets are too toothy, I fear, (as are Badgers) to be safe for installation in proximity to the skin. There are warm-blodded worms, heat-generating insects and bacteria which in suitable numbers can raise the air a few degrees. I take it your employer will not see fit to pipe in warmth to your work-arena. Perhaps some subtle method of lowering his temperature would induce him to raise the firm's abient level. Post pictures of the Arctic, or turn the discusison to polar bears and frozen tundra. Put his hat in the crisper drawer of the automatic fridging unit.

Thank you for joining me, that is all for today, dear listeners.

Until next time I am...

1 comment:

Editor said...

Wondering said...

Hey Farknoodle,

Whatsoever haseth becometh of youre ever so endearing assistante, Scribble?

Wonderingeth in Wonderment

9:34 PM
Blogger His Assistant said...

Excuse me, madame(?) - master Finknottle is passed out at the moment and is not in the condition to hear from his readers.

As to your question: what becameth of me? It so happens that when I'm forced to follow his highness on one of his "strollabouts", I'm often called upon to sleep in fleas and filth. Several days of that and my leotards begin to itch, something fierce. When I finally manage to convince him to return back to the safe-zone, I reward myself with a leisurely trip to the baths.

9:48 PM
Anonymous Larson E. Whipsnade said...

Badgers are a fine and suitable means of warmth and protection, as are gophers, moles, voles, hares, rabbits and beavers. All animals provide a soft, warm pelt which is pleasing to the touch. Their warmth is particularly necessary during the winter months. When placed inside gloves and boots they are a preventive for frostbite.

Do not dismiss the many fine attributes and uses of animals. Beg, please reconsider your opinions in future human needs as animals will surely provide a use.

10:28 AM
Anonymous ono... said...


I noticed you sported the middle initial "Q" in your previous column. What happened to it? What does it stand for?

Onomastically challenged,
Lipscomb, TX